Last-minute Holiday Baking

This may become your favorite fruitcake recipe.

1 c. water
1 c. sugar
4 large eggs
2 c. dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 c. brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gal. whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 c. butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 c. salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who likes fruitcake anyway?

This "Fruitcake Recipe" has been circulating the Internet for many years. I discovered it when I was searching my recipe collection this morning.

I do have a legitimate recipe for a delicious fruitcake. I remember helping my mother make it a couple of times. It takes nearly all day to make because it has some intense preparation (chopping sticky, candied fruit, measuring the copious ingredients, etc.) It is very expensive to make, but it is soooo good. The last four years, my sister would send me two loaves with her Christmas packages. I would freeze them to keep them fresh and nibble on them for the next two months. She didn't make the fruitcakes this year, and I miss them.